A Moment… 10/19/16

Wednesdays are for taking a moment during the week and counting blessings, or telling funny stories, and anticipating the approaching weekend. I’d love for you to share your Wednesday moment in the comments or attach a link to your blog.

When I was a teenager, I went through some drama. My father and step-father had abused me, my mother was an alcoholic, and my boyfriend was a drug user and abusive. That combination left me feeling alone and powerless.

So, I started acting out. I had no respect for my parents because I felt they hadn’t earned it. Like many victims of abuse, I thought I could stop it. I wanted to be “good enough” so he would love me “the right way”.

I didn’t have much experience then with unconditional love. I assumed people loved one another because there was a magic combination of behaviors that made someone love you.

You could lose someone’s love if you didn’t act just so.

You could cause bad things to happen, but when good things happened, it was inexplicable.

Instead of addressing the reasons I was acting out, my mother clamped down even harder. The harder I fought, the tighter her fist.

Today, many many years later, I’m writing. I’m trying to write a book, and each time I try, I find myself addressing the same theme. A child is stolen and taken to a place where she doesn’t know the rules and has to adapt and make herself valuable to her captors. There’s always a point where she’s locked up, as I was by my mother.

It was only this morning, when I heard a song which triggered memories of when I was ready to die after my mother had me committed, did I realize that I am still working out those issues. I’m hoping by confronting those emotions in my writing, I’ll finally tell the story that sets me free.

Today I am grateful for lessons learned, time passing, my husband who loves me unconditionally and is patient with my fears, and the luck (and hard work) that helped me survive.

(A special thank you to Saga writer Brian K Vaughn and the artist Fiona Staples for perhaps the best two frames of a comic in the history of comics.)

The dialogue starts with you. What tough parts of your past show up in your art?

8 thoughts on “A Moment… 10/19/16

  1. A lot of hard emotions show up in my writing. I try to journal every day, especially when I have those thoughts of when I feel like the world is crashing down on me. But when it comes to certain events, I write stories to illustrate the pain I’m feeling.

    For example, I have a lot of pain coming to grips that my dad left the family, left me. It’s hard to let that go. But through a story I wrote, I was able to work through those feelings. It’s still a sore subject. I also have a lot of resentments toward my family for various reasons. I have a story where the main character puts them out in the wrong way, and ultimately, costs him his life. I’m using it as an example on how to not deal with those resentments.

    Writing is one way I cope with negative emotions. Talking helps, too, but I feel like I can express myself better by writing them down. That way I can see what it is I’m struggling with and gain some clarity.

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      1. You’re quite welcome. Before social media took off, I thought I was all alone with my writing. I took classes, so I had peers. And I had friends who were creative, too. But something didn’t feel right. I had a feeling there were more people struggling like I was. But I gave up on finding those people and pursuing my dream. But through some encouragement from my wife, I picked up the pen and started writing again. And when I did, I started getting back those dreams I thought were lost. And thanks to social media, I found friends who were going through the same things, even if they had been published before.

        I’m glad I could be a source of support. Thank you for reminding me that writers are never alone.

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  2. Oh I remember that time n your life. I knew you were angry but I had no idea what was really going on. May you find the peace you seek as you write!

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  3. i can’t wait to read your book.
    we have some of the same background murmurs.
    unlike you, i’m not smart or introspective enough to write it out. so i’m shocked when i see characters in my book act out in ways i now recognize as my younger self.
    heh.
    khairete
    suz

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    1. Dude. Hearing someone say, “I can’t wait to read your book.” is exactly what I needed to hear this morning! I need to get a screenshot of this and just look at it every five minutes while I write!
      It is fascinating how characters mirror our subconscious, isn’t it? Little buggers.
      Love ya.

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  4. Love you and I am proud of how strong and caring you are. I love reading your stories. (The poems take me a little more effort to get.) Write your book, so I can see myself thanked on that first page. Not that it is about me, at all.

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